I think there comes a stage when, on a collective level, all of us reach a certain self-consciousness or self-awareness. It’s a mood that pervades all of us, but all of us somehow hold some conviction that we are the only ones in possession of it, and the general result is that no one can help the other in any substantial way.
What am I talking about?
The approaching end of semester and exams, of course!
Ever since joining facebook, (I know, shoot me) I have felt much more like a university student, and a first year one at that. This is mostly attributed to the networks, (I’m part of Australia National), and the groups that one can join. In particular, there was that one that stood out, I think it was called something along the lines of… “I’ve gotten over the initial hype of uni, now I wish I took a gap year”.
This is exactly how I’m feeling. At the risk of making this a mopey and whiny post, something I’ve (hopefully) avoided so far in my blog, I will make some explanations and give it some rationale it appears logical and consistent.
I feel hopeless at university, to start with. The “ivory tower” that presides over academics and their interactions becomes tiring after a while. While I supposed that high school was just a bad stage one had to pass before getting onto ‘real’ things, I find now that such a description can be applied to unversity just as easily. I haven’t really felt myself intellectually challenged, because most of the time I’m so self-consiously aware that’s what I’m meant to be feeling.
Is it disillusionment?
(Or am I just really tired of studying, and am looking for a justified break?)
Also, the idea that High Distinctions are “exceptional” and have “flair” seems so presumptuous. Markers can’t actually describe what they are looking for in words that are coherent, rather they rely on grandiose rhetorics such as this to describe some general “feeling” that they are looking for. And what is this “individual spirit of thinking” bull? They ascribe some sort of magical quality, some transcendental sensation to assignments that are essentally questions that ask for descriptions, observations, or summaries of other’s works. It’s sort of like a paradox, on one hand they tug and pull at our intellectual channels, and on the other they limit such endeavours by setting questions and word counts that stifle whatever “creativity” they are looking for.
Of course, there are some exceptions to this, like the major essay (3000-3500 words) that I get to write on anything at all within my discipline. But somehow, looking at the question that I have set for myself (i.e. set by my supervisor), I’m not certain of how it will turn out.
I feel a little sad for all my NSG friends, if you’re reading this, who sound almost disappointed when I tell them about all this. My work ethic is such a contrast to last year’s, and if you know what that was, then you must know what a big difference that makes. I have lost motivation to work, to learn, to even make subject choices for next semester, and the such. (All I want to do is make plushies, not even ‘high’ art!)
Hm. On a side note I didn’t sleep until 3 AM last night, so I’m pretty sure this entry will be deleted tomorrow after much revision. (Especially since I’m getting 200% increase in page views since joining facebook)
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PS. Ivy, there is no answer to the question, that is the joke!
